Look, I’m not one to make a big fuss about nothing, but this last week has been too eventful to ignore. Not only was I kicked out of my own home, I was also attacked—yes, attacked, I tell you—on no less than two separate occasions. First there was the big vacuum cleaner scare, and then there was what I like to call ‘the Roomba incident,’ as it involved one of those terrible robotic vacuums. Of course we fought back, on both occasions, I might add, and for a moment we thought we’d snatched victory from the jaws of defeat. But that was before Odelia brought in the big guns, in the form of the Trainor sisters, Blanche and Bella. Cleaning ladies by profession, and cat haters by vocation. Their philosophy is that cats don’t belong in the home, and so they locked our respective pet flaps—and started the war.

And it wasn’t as if I didn’t have other things to worry about. There was Uncle Alec, being the center of some vile gossip campaign, and there was the spate of burglaries terrorizing our small and otherwise peaceful town. But it’s hard to focus on fighting crime when you’re dealing with a pair of cat-hating cleaning ladies, wouldn’t you agree? And did I mention that they locked our pet flaps? Of all the dastardly, horrible, monstrous… But let’s not dwell on the negatives. There are plenty of positives in this new chronicle of my adventures, too. So please do read on, for a furry good time!

Lean Mean Cleaning Machine